Wicked Love

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wicked love

it´s too bad letting go
is not pretending it´s not there
at the same time
being afraid
isn´t facing my own fear
I turn inside
and my internal voice
is a savage
hurting me
beyond my
emotional
baggage

and that´s me
making me feel
like a victim
doing all sorts of
things just to
trick him
eating and drinking
cause´his voice
is so sickening

telling me that I can´t
I´m not even good enough
to write this rant
telling me that I Should
a burden
that closes off the
path to my Will
and all the things I Could
until I don´t know
what I want
even though I Would
if he wasn´t on this
unsupportive mission
keeping me in chains
of constant indecision

for many years
he´s been my best mate
catering for my
inner voice of hate
because he is the
guardian of my
emotional state
a gate keeper
keeping me from
going deeper

to face the pain
that calls upon the reaper

you see, that is my
savage´s wicked love
keeping me down
is to keep me above
the abyss of pain
my heart´s capable of

 

-detonatord

Guided

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Guided

I am guided
I am protected
the torch of intuition leads me
protected by the tree of life
that feeds me
fruits of love
as above
so below
with my feet
firmly on the ground
I have found
the wings of passion and fire
I am becoming one
I can admire

 

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Solar Plexus

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Solar plexus

 

I know about jealousy
I´m envious too
but I keep
looking through it
to see what is true
So when I´m judging
or eager to blame
I look at solar plexus´
deep rooted shame

Burning or blacked out
it´s a self-hating game
When projecting it outwards
results´ always the same
The Sun, the provider of life
becomes pain

Knowing my sun just
wants me to shine
I let go of my envy
to become alive
and I´m honing my skills
because they
make me thrive
Until the time
I am walking in the sun
my spotlight is shining
on just having fun

When I like what I´m doing
and I do my best
I don´t care if I´m judged
or put to the test
Your jealousy can´t touch me
when I´m shining my light
because I want for you
to shine just as bright

 

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Cold Case

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Cold Case

I let myself feel
for as long as needed
even though
my ego is down
feeling defeated
discussion´s heated
inside of me
ego determined
to turn off
the light in me

can´t reach down
with my analyzing mind
it´s exactly what
my emotions hide behind
at the same time
I can´t remember
what I can´t find
and I can´t heal
what I can´t feel

I have to face
something my memory erased
lost in the maze of my own chase for days
not realising it´s a cold case

I let myself feel
for as long as needed
but now I am empty
feeling depleted
stuck in a loop
mistakes are repeated
I can´t remember
what I deleted

and I think that´s why
my feelings are deluded
a painful trauma
my memory excluded
I can´t go on
´cause the only way
is through it
feeling the pain
is the only way
to do it
but I got stuck
in the brain
and I blew it

once again

I have to face
something my memory erased
lost in the maze of my own chase for days
not realising it´s a cold case

 

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Every Feeling

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Every feeling

Is it just a thought
Obstructing my breathing
Or is it a feeling
Pleading with me
To listen in
Can’t be present
When not listening
Honestly
I’m escaping
The fact that I’m faking
With my soul at stake
Every time I take
A shortcut to pleasure
Because I can’t take
The pressure
From
Every emotional concussion

Instead I get
Caught up inside
Internal discussions
Mental repercussions
Calling me back
Telling myself
I’m deserving
of the attack

Purposely
Losing track
Lacking contact
With my true core
Breathing less
Thinking more
Avoiding whatever
My feelings have
In store
Afraid I’ll explode
If I open that door
Or maybe I fear
That I’ll disappear
Dissipating
Cause I can’t
Admit that
I’m hating

I lost the feeling riding it
Abiding by my need to analyse the feed of thoughts, it got me, but emotion is the motion in writing, enlightening is a feeling, of light towards the ceiling, opening the crown sealing, descending down into the veins
Anticipating the moment it gains
weight into every cell
Animating my body’s empty shell
But it’s not about feeling well
It’s about feeling it well
When you allow your Presence
You are honest
In essence
Grief suppressed in your chest masked like being mad
And hate repressed unable to digest
That you are sad
How can you be real now
If you ran from every
Feeling that you had?

 

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The Labyrinth

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The labyrinth

hate it
neglect your demons
or hide
you decide
half life
or being alive
.
when the door closes
it spirals down
endlessly in circles
and now you´re descending
to the bottom line
to that moment
when you broke your spine
to all that grief
that you left behind
.
you see
how can you get up
when you have no backing
the ground is gone
when your dignity is lacking
.
I looked up instead of in
tried to breath
but the air was too thin
I looked up longing to fly
but wings don´t carry a broken spine
I stopped looking
wanting to die
I looked as though
everything was fine
.
you see
hate it
neglect you demons
or hide
you decide
half life
or being alive
.
and you are not even crying
the pain is so deep
it feels like dying
feel it
feel it now
or you won´t stop lying
feel it
feel your back
and start flying
.

.

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Integrity

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INTEGRITY

My serenity
was kindled
through my
hard earned integrity
Learned by severity
Churned in scarcity
of love, thinking I was good
A misinterpreted longing
to be understood
I gave away my power
thinking that I should
give up everything
that could
reveal me
I thought this
denial would
heal me
Feel me
I didn’t know
this way
you could
steal me
Still hiding
when I wanted
you to see me
All the while
I had to
be the one
to free me
Balancing
light and dark
to be me
.
To put up
boundaries
might seem aggressive
A massive change
to your surroundings
They can’t see
the mountain
you are mounting
Your life is up hill
counteracting
past beliefs
And still
for every boundary
you maintain
You’re back is straightened
by the integrity
you gain
.
They say
you shouldn’t have
aggressive behavior
But if you’re lacking
back bone
anger is your saviour
The darkness is there
though under
suppression
Without recognition you might
explode in confession
Or you’re like me
You implode by the pressure
to drown in self loathing
beyond any measure
.
You’re climbing
the ladder
of uncertainty
Life came without
warranty
Guaranteed
you’ve got to
fight for your integrity
But every step
is worth it
Like self worth
you have to birth it
with complete love
For your wildness
turns into the
most incredible kindness

.

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Intelligent fools

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Intelligent fools

.
to me everything looks grey
I don’t buy the black and white
if that’s ok
I’m going to draw a bigger picture
on a red square
be aware
I am no way near
the ending
I can’t talk about the system
without being condescending
the state is removing culture
from the schools
intelligent fools
like you can learn how to live
by numbers
join the dots and fill in the slots
file on que
you know what to do
deliver
sell your liver
be a giver
all that matters in life
is mass production
liposuction
and efficiency
art sucks the economy dry
nobody needs dreamer
who thinks he can fly
into a reality where
taxes don’t exist
where there are no lists of
got to do before tomorrow
where time is infinite
and not borrowed
from a bureaucrat
who joins the dots
files on que
she knows exactly how
to follow the rules
raising intelligent fools
who stop to think creatively
and what we get is
a deprivation of imagination
it’s sucking life out of our society
if we don’t teach kids about art
their mind becomes
a theoretical desert
until their mind is blown by
a sandstorm of reality
you can’t build your life
counting numbers to insanity
life will bring wrinkles
to your vanity
your passion runs dry without
irrigation from your fantasy reserve
and living lifes art is something you deserve

.
.

-detonatord

Waiting

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Waiting

.

in those minutes waiting

for the train

like I´m alive for the first time

I am

part of a life stream

life´s dream

looking at the stars

created on

a spotted floor

being made

by and by

hundreds of people

and ghosts

reaping what they sow

and the roof is

letting go

of the snow

falling into soft piles

becoming water

melting

like heaven´s daughter

descending

just watching

the dynamics

between

destruction and mending

.
.

-detonatord