Wicked Love

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wicked love

it´s too bad letting go
is not pretending it´s not there
at the same time
being afraid
isn´t facing my own fear
I turn inside
and my internal voice
is a savage
hurting me
beyond my
emotional
baggage

and that´s me
making me feel
like a victim
doing all sorts of
things just to
trick him
eating and drinking
cause´his voice
is so sickening

telling me that I can´t
I´m not even good enough
to write this rant
telling me that I Should
a burden
that closes off the
path to my Will
and all the things I Could
until I don´t know
what I want
even though I Would
if he wasn´t on this
unsupportive mission
keeping me in chains
of constant indecision

for many years
he´s been my best mate
catering for my
inner voice of hate
because he is the
guardian of my
emotional state
a gate keeper
keeping me from
going deeper

to face the pain
that calls upon the reaper

you see, that is my
savage´s wicked love
keeping me down
is to keep me above
the abyss of pain
my heart´s capable of

 

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Cold Case

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Cold Case

I let myself feel
for as long as needed
even though
my ego is down
feeling defeated
discussion´s heated
inside of me
ego determined
to turn off
the light in me

can´t reach down
with my analyzing mind
it´s exactly what
my emotions hide behind
at the same time
I can´t remember
what I can´t find
and I can´t heal
what I can´t feel

I have to face
something my memory erased
lost in the maze of my own chase for days
not realising it´s a cold case

I let myself feel
for as long as needed
but now I am empty
feeling depleted
stuck in a loop
mistakes are repeated
I can´t remember
what I deleted

and I think that´s why
my feelings are deluded
a painful trauma
my memory excluded
I can´t go on
´cause the only way
is through it
feeling the pain
is the only way
to do it
but I got stuck
in the brain
and I blew it

once again

I have to face
something my memory erased
lost in the maze of my own chase for days
not realising it´s a cold case

 

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Every Feeling

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Every feeling

Is it just a thought
Obstructing my breathing
Or is it a feeling
Pleading with me
To listen in
Can’t be present
When not listening
Honestly
I’m escaping
The fact that I’m faking
With my soul at stake
Every time I take
A shortcut to pleasure
Because I can’t take
The pressure
From
Every emotional concussion

Instead I get
Caught up inside
Internal discussions
Mental repercussions
Calling me back
Telling myself
I’m deserving
of the attack

Purposely
Losing track
Lacking contact
With my true core
Breathing less
Thinking more
Avoiding whatever
My feelings have
In store
Afraid I’ll explode
If I open that door
Or maybe I fear
That I’ll disappear
Dissipating
Cause I can’t
Admit that
I’m hating

I lost the feeling riding it
Abiding by my need to analyse the feed of thoughts, it got me, but emotion is the motion in writing, enlightening is a feeling, of light towards the ceiling, opening the crown sealing, descending down into the veins
Anticipating the moment it gains
weight into every cell
Animating my body’s empty shell
But it’s not about feeling well
It’s about feeling it well
When you allow your Presence
You are honest
In essence
Grief suppressed in your chest masked like being mad
And hate repressed unable to digest
That you are sad
How can you be real now
If you ran from every
Feeling that you had?

 

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Integrity

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INTEGRITY

My serenity
was kindled
through my
hard earned integrity
Learned by severity
Churned in scarcity
of love, thinking I was good
A misinterpreted longing
to be understood
I gave away my power
thinking that I should
give up everything
that could
reveal me
I thought this
denial would
heal me
Feel me
I didn’t know
this way
you could
steal me
Still hiding
when I wanted
you to see me
All the while
I had to
be the one
to free me
Balancing
light and dark
to be me
.
To put up
boundaries
might seem aggressive
A massive change
to your surroundings
They can’t see
the mountain
you are mounting
Your life is up hill
counteracting
past beliefs
And still
for every boundary
you maintain
You’re back is straightened
by the integrity
you gain
.
They say
you shouldn’t have
aggressive behavior
But if you’re lacking
back bone
anger is your saviour
The darkness is there
though under
suppression
Without recognition you might
explode in confession
Or you’re like me
You implode by the pressure
to drown in self loathing
beyond any measure
.
You’re climbing
the ladder
of uncertainty
Life came without
warranty
Guaranteed
you’ve got to
fight for your integrity
But every step
is worth it
Like self worth
you have to birth it
with complete love
For your wildness
turns into the
most incredible kindness

.

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Stars

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Stars
.

My mind is not empty

but just full of stars

maybe each of them a victory

not all of them are scars

scars only heal

when we allow them to feel

each of them

how deep they´re going

you feel pain

when your sores are mending

you give up and look up

not knowing that the stars

are looking back

they feel it

when you are losing your track

they hold their breath for you

because

they cannot tell you

what is true

but your scars will tell you a story

when healed

they shine with the outmost of glory

.
.

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Rich Defense

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Rich defense

.

your chest was swollen

and your hands were clenched

I wished to rip your heart out

through your rich defense

scars collided

and like cars we crashed

our bones were splintered

when our ribs got smashed

after

your heart stood bare

in plain sight to see

you unfolded your empty ribcage

to me

allthough we were broken

beyond repair

I picked up the pieces

of my hearts despair

allthough I realized that

we were one

from the beginning

I couldn´t help but notice

that in fact

you watched me grinning

.
.
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All I have to do

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All I have to do
.

The world is right here
on your fingers
on your toes
with your hands up
are you waiting to see the next tree
to plant one is not for free
no it costs three
but I am planting one by the sea
maybe she’ll grow up to be just like me
and why
with the world in front of me
how lonely
when everything is available to learn
it’s a jungle
so I have to discern
which way to go next
which turn
which lane
I already know
I am insane
what is there to worry about
when all I have to do is liking myself
no matter what feelings that may arise
feelings are the spice in this device
called a computer brain
all the veins pump electrical signals
to inform my cells
a sinister place where my emotion dwells
I encounter spells of the past
outcast from the winter scene
I don’t even remember where I’ve been
but I can recall a smell
put some lighting on and I remember it well
but I didn’t want to know
so I forget again
and I say it’s ok to shut down locket
ten feet down
cause I had to
all that pain was pumping
like fireworks going off inside my pocket
coming home after all that fiery rain
all that is left is the shame
that is stained on me like a waterproof marker
shoulders up and head down
I look in the mirror to wipe out my frown
but I look past my own eyes
liking myself is like loving the lies
that flies out when I put on my brave face
covering up my scars
my disgrace
did you notice that I was avoiding your gaze
into my souls shuttered windows
I was looking out anywhere the wind blows
is where I might be staying
you might find me under that tree
you’ll find me swaying
praying
that I will like what I am and what I’m not
until then I am staying on that spot
waving like a tree
all I have to do is
to like me.

.
.

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The Deserving Devil

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The Deserving Devil

.

You can never do enough
when the Deserving Devil speaks
If you save up all your energy
he makes sure it leaks
and he sucks out raw blood
for every pleasure that you get
If you haven´t worked for it
he collects the dept
.

If you don´t abide by his rules
they deem you a fool
An idea implemented
from the first day at school
Your homework and papers
are evalueted, graded
Your self-esteem grows
but your worth is degraded
.

The truth is we´re born in
unconditional worth
but the Deserving Devil prevails
and controls us from birth
Our parents were taught
they must work to get approval
So they pass on the same
self worth removal
.

The Deserving Devil
doesn´t want you to learn
that worthiness and love
isn´t something that you earn
Life is not an endless competition
you are worthy of love
without any condition

.
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It feels like

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It feels like

.

not afraid of death
I´m most afraid of living
my pain in plexus and heartache
are relentless, unforgiving
it feels like
my demons are becoming me
I have nothing left to give, you see
I am the leaf
that is left from the whole tree
forgive me
for the pain that I suffer
right now
my black icy cold heart
is all I have to offer
it´s asking me to choose
to be vulnerable
or tougher

it´s depressing
all of our society
only knows escaping
and repressing
but there´s a way
towards the freedom
of expressing
it stumbles through the dark
for every truth
you are confessing

and we all try
to piece ourselves together
shards of glass are cutting us
until our hands feel like leather
no one tells you that
it feels like
the pieces don´t fit
no one tells you it burns
when your fire is lit
no one tells you that
facing this bottomless pit
you´re descending
trancending
and owning your shit

.

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