Solar Plexus

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Solar plexus

 

I know about jealousy
I´m envious too
but I keep
looking through it
to see what is true
So when I´m judging
or eager to blame
I look at solar plexus´
deep rooted shame

Burning or blacked out
it´s a self-hating game
When projecting it outwards
results´ always the same
The Sun, the provider of life
becomes pain

Knowing my sun just
wants me to shine
I let go of my envy
to become alive
and I´m honing my skills
because they
make me thrive
Until the time
I am walking in the sun
my spotlight is shining
on just having fun

When I like what I´m doing
and I do my best
I don´t care if I´m judged
or put to the test
Your jealousy can´t touch me
when I´m shining my light
because I want for you
to shine just as bright

 

-detonatord

Know Fear

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Know fear

.
no pain no gain
before you reach the end
you feel you´re going insane
can´t retrain the brain
cause´you´re locked up
in emotional strain
and every try to fix things
is trying in vain

until one day you´re fed up
can´t get your head up
you´ve let yourself down
and you give up
with nothing left to defend
you completely surrend
without knowing
it´s the beginning
it´s not the end

what doesn´t kill you makes you stronger
but you can´t take it any longer
you´re living your life like Sisyfos
behind every victory
is a god damn loss
by now
you think it´s a cross you must bear
you can´t see
it´s been the road to know fear
now
you´re too weary to feel it
you´re one step away
to be able to heal it

you´re fed up
can´t get you´re head up
you´ve let youself down
and you give up
with nothing left to defend
finally
you can completely surrend
knowing
it´s the beginning
and not the end

.
.
-detonatord

Love transformed

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Love transformed

.

a boy was loved
when his father
hit him hard
so his own love transformed
his heart
standing guard
.

a girl was loved
when her mother
left in spite
her own love transformed
her heart
ready to fight
.

a boy was loved
when his mother
abused him
his own love transformed
his heart
always refusing
.

a girl was loved
when her father
had gin
her own love transformed
she´d let nobody in
.

unable to recognize
that their love was insane
they grew up to be parents
to add to the chain
another generation
of unbelievable pain

.
.

-detonatord

Rich Defense

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Rich defense

.

your chest was swollen

and your hands were clenched

I wished to rip your heart out

through your rich defense

scars collided

and like cars we crashed

our bones were splintered

when our ribs got smashed

after

your heart stood bare

in plain sight to see

you unfolded your empty ribcage

to me

allthough we were broken

beyond repair

I picked up the pieces

of my hearts despair

allthough I realized that

we were one

from the beginning

I couldn´t help but notice

that in fact

you watched me grinning

.
.
-detonatord

All I have to do

img_2590-kopi

All I have to do
.

The world is right here
on your fingers
on your toes
with your hands up
are you waiting to see the next tree
to plant one is not for free
no it costs three
but I am planting one by the sea
maybe she’ll grow up to be just like me
and why
with the world in front of me
how lonely
when everything is available to learn
it’s a jungle
so I have to discern
which way to go next
which turn
which lane
I already know
I am insane
what is there to worry about
when all I have to do is liking myself
no matter what feelings that may arise
feelings are the spice in this device
called a computer brain
all the veins pump electrical signals
to inform my cells
a sinister place where my emotion dwells
I encounter spells of the past
outcast from the winter scene
I don’t even remember where I’ve been
but I can recall a smell
put some lighting on and I remember it well
but I didn’t want to know
so I forget again
and I say it’s ok to shut down locket
ten feet down
cause I had to
all that pain was pumping
like fireworks going off inside my pocket
coming home after all that fiery rain
all that is left is the shame
that is stained on me like a waterproof marker
shoulders up and head down
I look in the mirror to wipe out my frown
but I look past my own eyes
liking myself is like loving the lies
that flies out when I put on my brave face
covering up my scars
my disgrace
did you notice that I was avoiding your gaze
into my souls shuttered windows
I was looking out anywhere the wind blows
is where I might be staying
you might find me under that tree
you’ll find me swaying
praying
that I will like what I am and what I’m not
until then I am staying on that spot
waving like a tree
all I have to do is
to like me.

.
.

-detonatord

The Deserving Devil

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The Deserving Devil

.

You can never do enough
when the Deserving Devil speaks
If you save up all your energy
he makes sure it leaks
and he sucks out raw blood
for every pleasure that you get
If you haven´t worked for it
he collects the dept
.

If you don´t abide by his rules
they deem you a fool
An idea implemented
from the first day at school
Your homework and papers
are evalueted, graded
Your self-esteem grows
but your worth is degraded
.

The truth is we´re born in
unconditional worth
but the Deserving Devil prevails
and controls us from birth
Our parents were taught
they must work to get approval
So they pass on the same
self worth removal
.

The Deserving Devil
doesn´t want you to learn
that worthiness and love
isn´t something that you earn
Life is not an endless competition
you are worthy of love
without any condition

.
.
-detonatord

Ancestor Prayer

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Ancestor Prayer

.

thank you

ancestors of wood and stone

I thank you from my heart

because I am never alone
.

thank you

ancestors of water and sea

I offer my tears

and you are purifying me
.

thank you

ancestors of fire and light

as a warrior of peace

I am ready to fight
.

thank you

ancestors of wind and air

because I can breath

there is no need to fear
.

forgive me

my ancestors

relieve me of pain

I know that the tears shed

were never in vain
.

forgive me

my ancestors

repel guilt and shame

and let me remember

from where I came
.

I love you

my ancestors

and Mother Gaia

I love you

Great Spirit

and the quantum field

Maya

.

.
-detonatord

Desire

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in one second

the word is out

the lights blinking

your eyes are twitching

your mouth moves

with a tingling sensation

you lie

.

.and a moment after

a shadow of doubt

.

the high score is

that moment

in between

when all is fine

it’s fine

until it’s gone and

.

I find it unspeakable

the sensation between my thighs

I can’t control it

so I hide

.

I only venture

in my mind

.

how is it

that I feel the freedom inside

bursting out

on the edge

on the edge of fire

like bursting on flames

fire

it rains

.

and I

feel my veins dilate

I am afraid

cause I can’t differentiate

love from

the storm of information

I feel captured in

my own sensation

of desire

I can’t

I am on fire

.

.

.

-detonatord

Undeserving

2012-09-21-11-42-10-1

undeserving
is unworthy
it´s unnerving
how I have to earn it
when am I gonna learn it
.

pleasure of being
it has no price tag
that I´m seeing
yet I shouldn´t
since I haven´t
done the dishes
no I wouldn´t
gotta save up on
my wishes
and I´ll live the next day
.

undeserving
is unworthy
it´s unnerving
how I have to earn it
when am I gonna learn it
.

satisfied
defied
working in your window
of time
watching the sun
smiling by
yet
you shouldn´t go out
before the rain comes back
no
you wouldn´t
gotta keep the schedule on track
living for tomorrow
.

undeserving
is unworthy
it´s unnerving
how I have to earn it
when am I gonna learn it
.

molded
I feel like I´m folded
can´t get my head up
to catch my breath
if I have to deserve it
it´ll be my death

.

.

-detonatord